to fly.

Monday, January 30, 2006

the worst thing about CNY is that you can eat but it always comes with a price.
For me, it wasn't just getting fat, it was biting myself.
With the super big ulcer growing at the back of my mouth,3 out of 10 bites will end up with a "OUCH*(&*%@#"
URGH.
i got so fed up that I gave up eating dinner in the end, with blood oozing out like no tomorrow.
I taste blood instead of FOOD.
HM. is this ultimately good or bad?

First day of CNY wasn't that fantastic.
With all the relatives present ( the ones whom i thought i was rather close with) , after seeing so much in that short hour of interaction, their actions, talks, behaviours just set me thinking.
Are they really my family, are they really as close as I thought we were?
How genuine are they?
Do they mean what they say?

I sensed sarcasm and arrogance instead of genuine love, care and concern.
It's saddening to think of, and to know that it's actually true. Practically dampens the festive mood huh.
Was with Edna a few days ago, and chilled at starbucks - one of the topics was about family. I thought I was quite fortunate, but after all these shit, I find that almost all of us are the same.
What those dramas portray, one big family being so close to one another, NAHS. wasn't that perfect as it seems.

I really wished that all the shops weren't closed during CNY after a decade later, coz I seriously think that I won't really be celebrating it anymore.
Mayb I could go on a holiday with my own family, dad, mum and brothers.
Without having to put on a mask, and facing those known-strangers.

10:43:00 PM let 'em go.

i need a new bed.
mum said ok.
but i wonder when i'm gonna have one.
my neck hurts, back aches, NOT comfy at all.

3:30:00 AM let 'em go.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

right ear impaired. prolly due to the one hour car ride with the stupid amplifier placed awkwardly on my right.

I had a straight 12 hour of sleep last night. but it didn't felt as good as I expected.

went out wif edna yesterday, I thought i would just look around. But i forgotten bout something important that I have to get, lingerie. to be specific, underwear?
And now, i'm in one of my cousin's place, waiting for her to get ready then we'll be off to get, yes, underwear.

bahhhhs.

i'm feel so lazy now, i felt like getting more sleep.
another 12 hours please?

4:15:00 PM let 'em go.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I hate ORANGES,
never liked PEARS,
and so are LEMONS.

--------------------------------

Been long since i've stepped into Starbucks, coz it's always @ coffeeclub wif benji. or coffeebean.
And the previous time when I was there, it was with siqi, jojo and cheryl.
Could clearly recall that I ordered Earl Grey Tea when the rest had coffee.
oh my, Sam you have a great memory here. that was like a year ago already.(almost i suppose)

i'm so tired, wear out, i can't wait for a long night of sleep without having to hold onto to the contents of OCOM and BSTATS with it swirling round and round my head before I hit LALAland.

11:59:00 PM let 'em go.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

BSTATS test. From naught to at least peanuts.

Tuesday's Bstats tutorial, Mr Ong Poh Leng said,
" You don't like Bstats right? "
" Just find a guy and go marry ah... you can still attract some men "
" I supposed I can't ask you do any questions? " --> meaning, i don't even know a nut about bstats.

I was VERY offended seriously, but what he said was true though, I didn't even attempt any tutorials at all, was staring blankly at my oh-so-empty tutorial worksheet the whole time;since week 1 till now week 11 or smth?
In other words, i'm LABELLED as " the bum "

But today, I just got back my BSTATS test results, and that Ong Poh Leng said,
" I thought you were a bimbo, but I think you're not now "

WAHAHAHAHHAS. I could just die laughing the moment i got back my paper.
I got 57/60!!!
I don't even give a damn about1 what he said, FEEL THE JOY !@#!@$!%#31@#@!$$OMGWTFUNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Must be Benji's and Jojo's blessings that made me so lucky.
=] =] =] =] =] muackmuackmuack!

At least, i got back my pride, SO FAR.

I feel so easily agitated and annoyed by people around me these days.
Mum, brother, grandma, maid. except dad. I don't know why but the moment I see him, i'll feel better.
I need PEACE. like. so much.

I can't still feel the festive mood of cny yet.

Not yet.

So far away.

10:40:00 PM let 'em go.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Revitalised after an hour's nap.

skipped CIP tut and bstats lecture(again)

felt so good to reach home so early ah!!!

but all for the sake of tmr's bstats test. "skippped bstats to study for bstats". yeah.

i'm trying to work on it now, studying. -_--

2:38:00 PM let 'em go.

Monday, January 23, 2006

yesterday - Sunday.

I marked it as my study day.

But whenever i tell myself to study, it will ALWAYS turn out otherwise.

i'm rather "un-motivated"

-- ... -------------

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

JamesBlunt:GoodbyeMyLover

3:16:00 PM let 'em go.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Listening: Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

the relentless war of accusation ended minutes ago. And i got my peaceful room back.
Battle scars were marked, frustration and all.

But at least, i have my favourite beverage, COFFEE with me.
And Pachi. And the bear. And the marshmellow.

I told Mum to abolish those old ways of discipline.
told her not to yell, not to accuse, not to point fingers. Instead,
Prob the child what's happening, to ask for reasons, not apologies.

I seem to have neglected her pride, but, this is all for the best.
She defended.
Stormed out the room.
but a moment later, she swing open the door and told me to find out the hidden agenda behind all these wrongdoings coming from the boy who cried wolf.

And now I wonder,

Is the results of a matter more important or the process more meaningful?

This is just like the question, "The chicken comes first or the egg?"

Anyone?

10:52:00 PM let 'em go.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I'm freezing at this moment . (thanks miaoxia for the sweater)

Each and every face muscle of mine seems to be twitching like mad.
And the icy cold fingers felt so vulnerable that any extra force exerted on it could either literally set itself dislocated or bid-goodbye to its attached body called ms.hand.

I thought i was 'the penguin' among my group of friends.

how wrong.

Shifting the view from my screen to what's happening before me, the rest of the girls are all staring at their respective laptops' LCD screens, then come along with the incessant pitter-patter, pitter-patter from e keyboards. (oh wait, doesn't that sound like rain? Anyway, you get my point)

While everyone's so absorbed with blogging, i'm fretting over the unfinished business, oh no correction, assignment with regards to FLASH, and the hurtful fact that until now, I couldnt really figure out what the hell it is all about. Dreamweaver turned out fine. BUT FLASH. urgh.

Wish me luck k? I gonna hand this up really soon.

6:04:00 PM let 'em go.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Hahs. found this picture in my handphone.

the other day, we were so bored that someone suggested doing some picture serial for all the lil soft-toys that we once fought over for.

and I actually *coughs* agreed, but figured that it's stupid. Nevertheless! i got pictures.

No edits of anything - original copy of the photo. and i really wonder why it turned out like that. ah.. lighting n stuff. and the piano's of a dark colour also (which makes the background) .

benjamin fancies the duck.

Whereas Sam prefers cows(coz dad's a bull)

gawd. i think out of ten posts, i'll mention dad like at least 8 of them. I really do love him. hmm..

11:23:00 PM let 'em go.

I skipped bstats lecture. it's such a waste of time, coz i dun understand ANYTHING. =_=

I hate this weather now.

i wish it'll rain everyday again.

the heat. urgh.

8:53:00 PM let 'em go.

Monday, January 16, 2006

HAHs.

i din sleep during micro lecture(woohoo! first time!). but i stared blankly at the screen with a psp earpiece stuck into my right ear.

freaking bored.

i miss the doc's appointment. oh well. nvm.

10:40:00 PM let 'em go.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

i got cuts on my back, and i have no idea how i got them. And they are DEEP.

To see what's going on with my life nowadays.
It cuts into me unknowingly.
Like how i got those cuts on my back.
it's frustrating.

I need my soul back.
This is so not me now.

I just wish that holidays would arrive soon,
oh no, i don't. I actually dread what's coming after the holidays.

I dread seeing them.
I dont want to do the mundane things all over again.

It's just like putting salt on snails.

You achieved death, just like that.
It kills me to be in that situation again, mentally.

i hate posting such "wadthehellareyoutalkingabout" blog entries.
But. i don't really have the liberty to touch any details here.
how I wish that i could meet ME.

9:35:00 PM let 'em go.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

i prefer rainy days.

coz dad will bring me for nice prata.

it's going 3pm soon. I miss dad. how abrupt feelings could come and go just like that. HAHs.

mylifejusthadn'tbeenthesame.

2:52:00 PM let 'em go.

When it wasn't there, I suppressed my loss, but it seemed to have undergone a thorough metamorphosis into a resounding mistrust of all men.

i feel so cloudy even though it's sunny outside.

i've adapted silence and deploring as an alternative.

whataworldhasitbecome.

1:18:00 AM let 'em go.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm in school now.
Waiting for lecture at 1pm. ocom. Frankly speaking, i've never really listen attentively to one of such lectures for the whole semester at all. Went once, and it was crap, everything was common sensical to me. You should try sitting in one too. I bet we'll have the same sentiments.

Last night was like terrible, stabbing throbbing pain.
I really wonder what fuck* is happening to me.
Called jojo in the middle of the night, i don't know what time, but everything just won't stop.
Hung up awhile later. I thought i've calm down already, but everything seemed to be flowing backwards now and there goes the vicious chain.

Lost is the perfect word.

I grabbed onto Tako coz i really wanted to call Benji at that time.
But it's already 2am. I don't know how i'm going to seek help.

I just sat there for the whole night/morning.

And i've forgotten how i've convinced myself to sleep.

12:28:00 PM let 'em go.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

last night. no, morning. 11.01.2006.
Sam lies on her bed and the time was 1.38am.
mission: to sleep early. wake up early. test. study. school.

tossed and turned in bed.

got up and checked the time again. omgwth. it's 3am.

anyway, i managed to get to sleep in e end. of course, that meant missing more lectures.

i was reading through my notes, with the usual cup of milo and toast on my study table.
out of a sudden, the maid popped out of nowhere and did that cute enthusiastic wave at me and said, "girl! come down. got bird neh" With her naive smile on her face, she's like twice as old as me and she's still so .. hahhahas. well. fasinating.

stunned and er, shocked .
And how silly, i followed behind her. YET Clever me. i grabbed my handphone with that lousy camera, in search of the lost bird. She told me it's outside, OKAY. like. WHERE?

And when it finally caught my eye, i didn't expect the bird to look anything like that before.
blame me for my ignorance. but i've never seen such hm.. breed before. OH WELL.
it had such brilliantly-coloured feathers.
And most importantly, it's fat. like a ball.

ps: what a big puddle of birdpoop on the left. green. EWW.

And FINALLY,
cip paper was so screwed.
i don't like reading notes with quotes like , "What is a computer"

11:58:00 PM let 'em go.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

i enjoyed myself the day after my test - eating the oh-so-heavenly apple crumble wif benji @ ps swensens, and the perfect weather and scene outside the panel window.
next stop will be pepperlunch !

i enjoyed myself today - JOJOJOJOJOJOJO.

nothing beats than having close friends by your side.

I wonder how my life would be without them, the true ones are always so precious.

And ever so rarely, i get to meet them along the way and i appreciate everything that they've done.

=]

again. yes. the sentimental-emotional freak side emerges again. doing the same old reminising and all. but. i can't HELP IT . things happened.

1:55:00 AM let 'em go.

random thought:

I wonder if people who visits my blog is for pure curiosity, or nosy , or just concern ?

1:24:00 AM let 'em go.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

HAHS.

WHEN ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

now i know.

11:42:00 PM let 'em go.

Double jeopardy. sigh. it aint so simple afterall.

mentioning of Mondays from tomorrow onwards, would mean speaking of the terrifying microeconomics tutor, first thing.

And. I made up my mind. on something.
And i promise myself to keep it.

And i think. there's this awkward and queer feeling going on somewhere...
I don't know where it comes from, but still, it exists.
tried searching for its source. futile attempt though.

i'll know someday.

Decided to bring down the video clip, it's giving me problems again. What a nuisance technology could be, though it did brought us convenience.

5:30:00 PM let 'em go.

nothing to blog.

i'm tired.

and i hate chinatown.

but i love the fireworks. such a perfect view, perfect timing, perfect place to watch one.

i hate quek jie ying for her easily-wavered characteristic.

i hate my brothers for installing crappy warcraft, o2gam, NFS, maple in my laptop. AND resulting having -> sticky keypads after like 8hours of consecutive gaming.

i hate running errands.

i want my life back.

URGH.

ass. get out of my life.

2:07:00 AM let 'em go.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

cranky and screwed.

i thought coffee would just do the trick. nope. it did worst.

and then it was - verbal vomit.

i did a couple or ROARRRSRSRSSS and RARHRHRHHRHHHH . felt good for like a moment, but everything just came back after 3 seconds.

it just felt like a whole load of &(*^*%$ stuff stucked in one of the main heart arteries.
what a burden
what a nuisance
WTH.

when i saw benji's missed call, i was almost on the verge of dying of boredom.
punched the call button. heard the familiar voice.
it felt so much better.
at least it reduced the crankiness by half.
took a shower.
and now i'm blogging.
i'm still )(*$#@)(&#@(*
but at least,
AHHHH!!

i don't know what to say!?@!?$#

RARRSAIORUOIEAKJSAHDSADHAKJSdkshfaskdjhpae

)(*&@#(Jkjhiusafdskl(*&*@(63

8:36:00 PM let 'em go.

the living room -> a cursed place for me especially when exams, tests or assignments are round the corner.

everyone in the house have been telling me that the moment i lie down on the couch, THAT's IT. and on average i'll spend at least 3 hours watching tv before getting my ass out of there. and well, they're right.

I was watching random tv since 8pm, till now? like almost 1am?
how nice. WELL DONE jieying.

and i've developed a great liking for "grey's anatomy" during that 5-hr tv watching earlier.

URGHHASHDKJSAD.

WHY AM I DOING HERE BLOGGING WHEN I COULD JUST START STUDYING OR SOMETHING.

damnit. i have no freaking idea what i'm doing these days.
events happened. and somehow they trigger the perplexing yet joyful past where mr.happiness once lingers and turned into a devil's advocate within a snap.

how contradicting. It's such an irony looking at how events unfold itself. Human nature, it fascinates me, but most of the time, it disgusts me, especially from the things we tend to think, do and act. I couldn't imagine how i could do all these things if it was me. even the thought of it was intolerable, atrocious, outrageous, wtf.
oh no correction. it's not human nature - coz not ALL of us does such malicious acts. definitely i'm out the circle. it's the specific ones whom i seriously doubt whether they have a soul or what. THEY're WHAT.

First was anger, next,
Disappointment sets in.
then the heartbreaks.

I digress.

12:44:00 AM let 'em go.

Monday, January 02, 2006

new year resolution

stickwitu forever. Jojo&Cheryl&siqi.

To continue loving my family.
To be more tolerate, to listen , and not to flare up. i'm sorry grandma

I aim for a 3.75

Enjoy Serve Cambodia 2006 Part II.

Be a better person

Not to spent like as if money = running water.

Eat heathily. No tea, coffee. (bad signs surfacing - rapid heartbeat, heartburn)

To see U again.

SmileLaughWahahas.

To realise a dream (shhhh....)

I appreciate you. And hope you do too. =]

Hope to get rid of the tapeworms.

to keep all my friends around me. love u guys!

to make someone realise to her mistakes for the things that she had done. I miss the old you.

May all have a smooth sailing journey through 2006.

embrace 2006.

2:05:00 PM let 'em go.

I wanted to do a "last entry of 2005" but, on second thought, hm. it doesnt matter anyway.

Spent new year's eve wif dearest jojo and cheryl.

we had our "big thing" in progress. the lace, the beads, the needle, and us.
What for? jojo says, "For identity"
all nodded in unison.

wanted to go cycling, but there are only 2 bikes, 3 people.

Walking shall be.

All of decided to drop by Kimmy's hse.

the jack russell pee-ed on my slippers.bahhhs.

spent hours crapping before heading back home.

HOME - continued wif the "big thing" , had more than enough laughs.
Brothers went to sleep. And us, fell asleep while watching the sec3 camp's vcd. reminising the fun. And how much people change.
i think we slept at 7 am.

I love festive seasons. holidays. occasions. These are always the times when we could catch up with the old friends.

cheers.

1:46:00 PM let 'em go.